This will NOT be an uplifting piece of writing. Just laying that out clearly right now. I’m treating this blog like a public diary of sorts and this is what’s on my mind today.
Not sure whether it’s pandemic life, age, stress levels, physical pain or any of a number of other reasons but my son told me this weekend that lately I remind him of the TV commercials for meds that feature “moms who are not really paying attention to what’s going on around them because their brains are too busy”. Wow! GUT PUNCH! But he’s not wrong. And now when those commercials come on (almost always on Bravo cause they know PRECISELY where to find their demo) it makes me nauseous.
If I’m being honest with myself I am always in some way “checked out” now and I don’t know what to attribute it to. I was taking meds for depression and anxiety when COVID hit and have since whittled it down to a new RX that was suggested by one of my new physicians specifcially targeting anxiety. I’m in constant pain due to TMJ and arthritis in my jaw. I’ve talked with my husband and some family and friends and honestly… the world is so fucking bonkers right now that it’s hard to tell whether it’s LIFE or it’s ME feeling the way I do.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? And is there a pill for “covid is fucking with my head 24/7”? If so, does insurance cover it? Do I have to go to a pill mill to get it?
And that’s a whole different issue. Is this a national thing? It can’t just be a Florida thing. All the “good” doctors no longer accept insurance and insurance suggests every pill mill in town as reputable physicians, but based upon personal experience… NO. When I go to someone who my insurance company has advised is a “therapist” and the first question out of their mouth is “what meds do you want?” It’s shameful.
Remember how I told you in the beginning of this entry that this wasn’t going to be uplifting? I’m a lot of things, but a liar isn’t one of them 😂
So I guess that’s my question to you… Do you feel any of this? A portion of this? I know I’m not alone, I just don’t know HOW much company I have.
What are you doing about it? Going through the motions? Telling yourself things will be different soon?
Let’s talk about it
2 thoughts on “CHECKED OUT”
This is pretty raw and all too relatable. All I can do is try to remind myself to be more present for more moments. And I get snippets of that, but the distraction levels are through the roof, a result of feeling constantly unsettled
You are not alone. Add raising a little human to the mix of covid… let alone a smart little human. I think you have a connection with your little man much like I do with my little lady. It’s not easy. We both are also go getters running businesses but we want to put our children and family first. I know the hard work and hours “checked out” from motherhood but running the business will pay off later… but it sucks right now. My heart hurts that I have to work so hard – but at the same time, my 3 month old business when COVID hit, survived year 1. I watched my daughter sleep this morning – I saw her innocence and we were both at peace.
I’ve rambled but know, you are not alone!